[The following was dictated to me, Jay Fortune, by my assistant who has cracked under the pressure and is holding what appears to be a gun under a tea-towel to my head. I'm putting exactly what he's saying. Everything. Including his dramatic pauses and 'scary' faces. I've not got time to proof-red:]

[He's ranting] "All you ever do is go to parties and mingle with people! Performing your magic to small groups of people. Having a laugh. Having fun. You get to go to hotels, yachts, boats, cocktail receptions and interesting places all over the world! And what do I do? Sit here and answer the phone. I'm sick of answering the phone. Sick of it! [To emphasize his 'sickness' of 'it' he's pushing the tea-towel shrouded object into my head. Strange, doesn't feel like a gun. It's not hard*] It doesn't stop ringing. All of these calls. Driving me mad! [Uh-oh, he's about to do an impression. He's holding his hand to his ear like a phone and putting on a stupid voice. He's impersonating himself. Is he mad? Yes. He has a wet, wobbly object under a tea-towel against my head] 'Yes, hello? Oh, yes that must be him your colleague saw. Yes, comical, baffling and memorable magic. You'd like to book Jay? What's wrong with you people?!'

[Phew, the impression has stopped. He's crying. There's something dripping under that tea-towel onto the floor. What's he got under there?] "I just don't get it? How can you go out with a few rubber bands, a pack of cards, couple of marker pens and call that making a living?! Huh? 'Oh, but he's so good with all of our guests'. [He's gone into impression mode again. That dripping is increasing] 'He works so well with the client and adapts his act to their needs, they say!'

'Everyday! Call after call. Corporate companies, private parties, weddings, dinners, product launches - I just can't take it any more!' [He's put the towel to his head! 'No!' I scream. The towel has fallen to the floor. Ice-cream. He was threatening me with a MaxiBon. It's obvious he's lost the plot. I'll sack him when he calms down. Oh hang on, he's still sobbing and muttering something...]

'Do you know, you've performed for Sony, BP, Disney, Carphone Warehouse, Barclay's International plc, BT, Presidents Sporting Trust, Bowne International, Wildlife Heritage Foundation, Financial Times, Land Rover, Holiday Inn Hotels, HSBC, Paradise Wildlife Park, [I interrupt him and remind him this was a permanent residency for five years] Orion, Direct Line, Bristol and West, Barnardos, Brittania, Great Ormond Street Hospital, Legoland [Again, I interrupt. This was as resident magician for over a year], Marriott Hotels [Another prod, reminding him that I have had residencies and provide entertainment and suggestions for their events], Hilton Hotels, Madame Tussauds, Vibration Music, Business Pursuits, Fauna and Flora International, Ultimate Experience plus tons of banking, legal and private companies throughout the UK. It's not fair! You have all the fun.'

[Complete breakdown now. Uncontrollable crying. I won't sack him. He has a good memory. I wouldn't have remembered all of those clients. Although, looking back through that list, it seems he has forgotten a fair few. I'll buy him a new phone to keep him happy, One with a funky ringtone or maybe the national anthem of Slovakia? Make him feel at home.]

*Damn. Under duress. No time for a double-entendre.

NB: For a serious and detailed biography and CV, please click here.