[The following was dictated by Jay to me, his long-suffering assistant, and I've put exactly what he said. Everything. Including his dramatic pauses and 'witty' faces. Apparently he didn't have time to poof-read:]

'Put down, Jay is a brilliant - no scratch that - put excellent visual comedy performer and speciality act. Those aren't my words [pauses and thinks] well, they are actually but who cares. Just write them down. Actually better still, put in that quote from MagicSeen. Magicseen? It's the number one glossy magic mag available in Borders bookshops and the like. Anyway, they said that I was a brilliant. Put that in. In bold font too. Right at the top. Thinking about it, maybe best to put it in the middle of the text somewhere, so it doesn't look too obvious that one is 'blowing one's own trumpet' [He's making a comical face now and winked* on the word 'trumpet'. He finds innuendo hilarious]'

'Put Jay's stand-up act is hilarious. What? What do you mean, 'Shouldn't we put the truth?' Occasionally funny? Do you want the sack?! Put hilarious. And don't forget to drop that quote in.'

'A brilliant magician' - MagicSeen magazine.

'Right where was I? Ah yes. Now put something along the lines of Jay performs original visual gags and zany tricks wrapped in witty banter, delivered with charm, cheek and [struggles to find the appropriate word] charm. Jay's unique comedy show is wacky and hides a good deal of talent behind his off-the-cuff remarks and anarchic tricks. Hey, that reminds me, bung in that quote from the BBC there too. He agreed the show was wacky. And funny. That producer guy. Put that in.'

'He was wacky. And funny.' - BBC producer guy.

'No! Not those exact words. Oh, give me the keyboard, I'll do it.'

'Wacky as hell and immensely entertaining!' - Trevor Hill. BBC.

Right, get back on here. There's loads to type yet. What? Of course it's true. Why would I make it up? Right, get off. Get off! [He's taking back the keybo...]

'Sinister, magical and very funny' - Barry and Stuart. TV magicians.

[He handed me back the keyboard. He's grinning. I'm scared] 'There! See? Another true quote. Do I really need you? [He threatens to fire me. I'm pretending to cry. After all, he's got my Visa] Put something about what events the show is suitable for and the fact that I am an emcee and have compered events all over the UK and Las Vegas. And Bristol. Got that? Great. I'm off out. Don't forget to clean up before you leave. And what's with all these tissues? Stop crying man. Get a grip.' [He leaves and shuts the door. I hear him bolt the door from the outside. Another night alone.]

Oh yeah, his act is available for after-dinner cabaret, cruise-ships, weddings and other types of stuff.

*check spelling of this before uploading.

NB: For a serious and detailed biography and CV, please click here.